THE 2025 OFL DRAFT BIG BOARD
Presented by: Hank Stevenson — Recovering Alcoholic, Former FanDuel Addict, and Current OFL Legend
Now let me be clear — this board is for grown-ass men, so if you're soft, go read PFF or go cry to your mama about your “scheme fit.” I made this with blood, sweat, and the leftover Adderall from my 2020 taxes.
I spent hours watching tape. I watched so much tape, I canceled all my OnlyFans subscriptions. So to my dear XxKittenPrincessXx, I will resubscribe once Daddy is done studying how fast grown men run into each other. Until then, please keep me in your prayers, and maybe send one last custom vid of you saying “Shedeur QB1.”
Let’s get into the meat of it — and I mean meat. These are your Top Dawgs, your OFL headlines, the guys who’ll win you games or destroy your locker room faster than JD after three Fireballs and a Hot Mic in Discord.
CAM WARD – QB – Miami (formerly Wazzu)
Draft Grade: A-
I will NOT tolerate the slander on this man’s name. Cam Ward is the Black Aaron Rodgers with better hair and zero tolerance for bulls**t. Born in Texas — raised in Miami — meaning this dude’s seen both Bible-thumpers and coke dealers before 9th grade. He is HIM.
Arm? Filthy. Can sling it deep, layer over the middle, and even throws short passes when he’s not doing parkour in the pocket.
Leadership? Commanding. This man walks into a locker room and you stand the f* up.
He throws into tight windows like he’s got X-ray vision — dropping dimes between linebackers like Deshaun Watson drops lawsuits. Ward can extend plays, makes reads off-script, and once told his WR, “Don’t worry, I got you,” right before throwing a 60-yard bomb while being chased like a stolen stimulus check.
Only concern? He fumbles — 8 times last year, which is more balls on the floor than JD’s Tinder dates. He gets sloppy under pressure, and his pocket awareness can turn into pocket denial real quick.
Still — if you’re passing on him because “he’s raw,” then congrats, you’ll be drafting a 5’10” mobile TikTok star who calls audibles using zodiac signs.
TRAVIS HUNTER – CB/WR – Colorado
Draft Grade: A+
You wanna talk about positionless football? Travis Hunter is out here grinding both ways harder than your ex in college. Playing WR and CB like he's getting paid per snap. This man’s GPS tracker is just the Infinity Gauntlet.
Height? 6'0”.
Weight? Light? Speed? 4.40 with the stride of a cheetah dipped in pre-workout. Hunter is a generational twitch athlete, and his instincts are so sharp it’s like he’s Deion’s clone mixed with anime protagonist trauma. He’ll lock down your WR1 and moss your CB2 all in the same series. He doesn’t back down, doesn’t get tired, and I once saw him punch a lineman in the throat for breathing too loud during drills. He does have some red flags — slim build, durability questions, and allegedly once stiff-armed his ex for asking if he was “emotionally available.” But look — if you’re scared of risk, go draft a punter and cry in your war room. This man is a unicorn — and he’ll be the first guy in the league to win OFL Defensive Player of the Year and still request reps on offense during goal-line.
ASHTON JEANTY – RB – Boise State
Draft Grade: A-
If you took a bullet vibrator, dipped it in gasoline, strapped it to 210 pounds of rage, and handed it the fcking rock — you’d have Ashton Jeanty. He doesn’t run — he erupts. Like your girl when she finds your Fantasy League chat is 70% ass pics and JD memes.1,300 rushing. 550 receiving. 14 TDs. That’s not production — that’s war crimes.He shakes defenders like they owe him rent and finishes runs like he’s trying to fck the turf. Size? Small. But you know who else is small? Your attention span, and you’re still here reading this filth.
Jeanty is like if Maurice Jones-Drew had a cocaine addiction and no filter. Draft him. Then give him 25 touches and a restraining order.
MASON GRAHAM – DT – Michigan
Draft Grade: B+
Mason Graham is 318 pounds of “fck your interior line.”
He’s not flashy. He’s not fast. He just eats double teams like JD eats fettuccine — with no regard for human life or portion control.
This man bullrushes guards into existential breakdowns.
He doesn’t tackle — he absorbs souls through ribcage compression. He’s what you get when a fridge comes to life and files for joint custody of your backfield.
Stamina? He’ll give you 4 good snaps, then suck wind like he just fcked a linebacker’s mom in the parking lot.
But those 4 snaps? Pure carnage.
He once farted in a pile and got credited for half a sack. Just draft the man.
ABDUL CARTER – LB – Penn State
Abdul Carter looks like he was genetically engineered in a lab built under a UFC octagon. 6’3", 250, 4.4 speed — if sexual frustration and parental neglect became a linebacker, it’d be Abdul. He’s the type to strip sack your QB, fck your fullback’s confidence, and then DM your mom “wyd” mid-4th quarter.
7 sacks, 11 TFLs — and 47 near-homicides not tracked by NCAA statisticians.
But who gives a sht? This man’s job is to commit legal violence on national TV.
WILL CAMPBELL – OT – LSU
Will Campbell is 6’6", 325, and built like the sexual tension in a Golden Corral line on Veterans Day.
He blocks like he’s trying to make the defensive end quit football and open a smoothie shop.
Dude gave up like two sacks in three years, and one of those was because his shoelace got stuck under his nut.
Mean streak? Filthy. He pancaked a guy and whispered, "Who’s your daddy?" before walking away like a swamp terminator.
Draft him and never worry about edge pressure again — or your wife cheating with a defensive end. Same thing.
TETAIRΕA MCMILLAN – WR – Arizona
You want a mismatch? Tetairoa is 6'5" of Polynesian pain and aerial dominance.
He mosses corners so frequently that they put “Tetairoa victim” in their Twitter bios.
90 catches. 1,400 yards. 10 TDs. And every ball he catches sounds like sex and sadness collided mid-air.
Jump balls? Not 50/50s — 90/10s. Unless your DB is JD, in which case it's 0/100 — because he can’t jump, can’t cover, and smells like hot cheese under pressure.
JAHDAE BARRON – DB – Texas
Draft Grade: B
Jahdae Barron is a slot corner with a Napoleon complex and an urge to commit battery.
5’11", 190 — but plays like he found your nudes in his girl’s phone and now it’s personal.
60+ tackles. 2 picks. A dozen fights nearly started just from him breathing on slot receivers too hard.
Football IQ? High. Attitude? “Bite your ear off and call it a learning experience.”
He covers like he’s on commission and hits like he’s trying to trigger flashbacks.
He once popped a screen pass so hard, the receiver coughed up the ball and an old trauma.
Not elite in size or top-end speed, but you don’t draft him for combine numbers — you draft him to inject chaos into your secondary.
π« DO NOT DRAFT – VOLUME 1: “I'd rather draft Hellen Keller”
By Hank Stevenson – the Mel Kiper your mom warned you about. Fueled by gas station gin, player hate, and a restraining order from an any local schools.
π Jalen Milroe – QB – Alabama
Why he’s here: Athletic? Yes. Quarterback? Debatable.
Final Grade: C-
Milroe’s tape is like your ex: looks good at first, but by the third watch, you’re wondering why you ever believed. He’s fast, physical, and can throw a ball 70 yards — just not always to his own team. If quarterbacking were just about vibes and verticals, he'd be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. But reading defenses? Nah.
Film room buzz says he once told a coach, “I don’t read progressions, I feel them.” Which is something you’d expect from a failed magician, not your QB1.
Verdict: Draft him if you want adrenaline. Pass if you want completions.
π Tyler Warren – TE – Penn State
He’s not toxic. Not lazy. He’s just… background noise. Like elevator music with a helmet. And that’s worse. He won’t ruin your locker room — but he also won’t improve your team in any measurable way.
Verdict: A "maybe he’ll develop" pick. Just know he probably won’t.
π Jalon Walker – OLB – Georgia
Why he’s here: Walking ejection waiting to happen.Final Grade: C
You want fire? Walker brings it. The problem is, he brings it on every snap like it personally insulted his mom. Personal fouls? He leads the draft class. He once got flagged for staring too hard during warmups.
No major scandals — just major problems staying on the field. Word is, the defensive coordinator had to run interference during interviews just to keep scouts from seeing his penalty reel.
π Jasxon Dart – QB – Ole Miss
Why he’s here: Arm talent doesn’t erase bad decisions.
Final Grade: C-
Dart’s highlight reel is incredible. His lowlight reel is longer. His mechanics break down under pressure, and his decision-making is like your buddy at 2 AM in Vegas — bold, unwise, and probably broke.
He once pitched a podcast called "Arm & Sauce" about QB footwork and Italian food. No one knows if it was a joke. That’s the problem.
Verdict: You'll talk yourself into him by Week 1, and curse his name by Week 3.
π Quinn Ewers – QB – Texas
Why he’s here: All sizzle, no steak.
Final Grade: D
Ewers had the whole world hyped, and then he played like a guy trying to get the ball to every defender he could find. 10 INTs, bad reads, and an ego that thinks the huddle is for peasants.
Rumor is, he asked a team if they offered a crypto signing bonus. You want a quarterback, not a walking LinkedIn post.
Verdict: Looks like a franchise guy in stills. Plays like a liability on film.
π Jihaad Campbell – OLB – Ala Fuqcken Bama
He allegedly stormed out of a team dinner after someone called gnocchi “just pasta lumps,” launching into a 5-minute rant on food integrity. JD was present. It escalated.
π Shedeur Sanders – QB – Colorado
Why he’s here: The talent is real. The fit might not be.
Final Grade: B- (but fragile)
Shedeur’s stat line is gorgeous: 3,230 yards, 27 TDs, 3 INTs. But the vibe? Complicated. The dude operates like a CEO — smooth, sharp, unbothered. That can be good… or it can alienate the hell out of a team that’s not used to cool silence in a hurricane.
One team asked about pre-snap reads. He answered with a quote from a mindfulness podcast and left the room. That’s either brilliance or brain fog.
Verdict: If your franchise has structure, leadership, and patience — take the risk. If it’s chaos? He’ll ghost you by Thanksgiving.
SLEEPER BOARD 2.0: “Mid-Round Menaces & Future Regrets for 31 GMs”
By Hank Stevenson – currently 86’d from four Shoney’s, banned from Mel Kiper’s mentions, and still pounding Marlboro Reds like they’re Skittles.
𧨠Don’Te Thornton – WR – Tennessee
Hank’s Grade: A-
Comparison: If DK Metcalf hit the gym less but had more vertical rage.
6'5", wiry, with downhill speed like he’s chasing his own child support. You can’t teach his frame or his go-ball dominance — he’s a walking “f*ck your safety” mismatch. Only reason he’s buried on mocks is because Miami couldn’t scheme a sandwich last year.
One scout said: “He high-pointed a ball so smooth I almost left my wife.”
Draft him: If you want a Day 3 freak who’ll eat CB2s alive and not say a word about it.
𧨠Dillon Gabriel – QB – Oregon
Projected Round: 5th
Hank’s Grade: A
Comparison: Lefty Kyler Murray, but he actually wins big games.
3,660 yards. 30 TDs. Only 6 picks. He reads the field like a chess master who’s also an amateur hypnotist. He’s elusive but not sloppy, and knows how to work the middle of the field.
He might not be a household name yet, but give it time — especially if he lands in a place that doesn’t suck.
Draft him: For your QB2 or QB1 if you don’t want a dude who tweets memes during games.
𧨠Shitta Sillah – EDGE – Boston College
Hank’s Grade: A-
Comparison: Demarcus Ware but with a name that triggers airport security.
Sillah has everything but the press coverage. 6’4”, 250, and moves like a guy dodging a court summons. Slippery off the edge, violent with his hands, and chases down ball carriers like they owe him money.
Injury history? Sure. But when he’s healthy, he’s a war crime in cleats. He once got flagged for “excessive sack celebration” after pelvic-thrusting at a mascot. That’s what you get with Shitta — chaos in pads.
Draft him: If your defense needs a 6th-round pass-rusher who plays like the stadium just insulted his mother.
𧨠Memorable Factor – ILB – DUKE
Hank’s Grade: A (for energy, and because how the hell do you forget that name?)
With a name like Memorable Factor, you'd expect a motivational speaker. What you get is a twitchy, sideline-to-sideline heat-seeker with an unhealthy obsession with contact.
124 tackles. 8 TFLs. 2 picks. No drama. No ego. He’s just built like a varsity bullet. One coach said, “He hits people like he’s writing a letter to his future CTE attorney.”
Vikings user, who usually only trusts players approved by Tim Hortons, said Factor might be “the best linebacker you’ve never heard of.” High praise from someone who once compared Randy Moss to maple syrup.
Draft him: If you want your special teams to turn into a horror show by September.
That’s the board. Take it for what it is — a drunk, tired, sometimes wrong but mostly right, piece of football lunacy.
If you want the real juice, you know where to find me — the bar where JD tries to explain the draft to women who only want to talk about TikTok.
Good luck, draft smart, and remember — no matter how bad your team is, at least you’re not JD trying to run the ball.
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