🧨 OFL FREE AGENCY RECAP – PART 1
🧨 OFL FREE AGENCY RECAP – PART 1
By: Hank Stevenson
Heyo Wayo! It is your newly married man Hank Stevenson with his hooker fiancée Bernise — marriage is happening next week behind the ABC store.
But today ain’t about me and Bernise, or her cooter that I can fit my whole face into like it’s a goddamn living room — I’ve always said I wanted more storage in my house though. That’s where I’m going to put my Social Security card.
LFG. Right here, right now.
Get your fireball, penne alla vodka, shotgun, maple syrup, business check with an 80% APR, and your signed bottle of JD’s cum — and let’s get into it.
Today is about the OFL, and we’re starting with our Top 10 Free Agency Signings.
🔥 FA SIGNINGS:
1. Rondale Moore – WR – Cowboys
Speed kills, and this man will kill.
94 speed, 82 catching, just 25 years old, and he’s been criminally underused the last 3 years in Arizona. I’d give him $23 million too!
He’s gonna make a huge impact for the Cowboys, and I honestly believe he’ll be up there in TDs this season.
He’s shorter than half the league — if JD sat on him he’d squash like I squashed my will to live when I applied at Walmart.
But that’s the only bad thing. You give this man some height extenders, performance enhancers, and a Monster Energy, and he’ll be a menace.
2. Jordan Morgan – G – Saints
Yeah, I’m putting an O-line guard at No. 2 — because free agency wasn’t stacked, and this guy’s young, talented, and a Pro Bowler.
Packers let this dude walk like it was nothing — maybe too busy gambling, maybe taking care of horses, I don’t know.
Saints Coach Jimmy Crowe, who’s made headlines recently for burning down the Colts user’s house while yelling “TRUMP 3RD TERM” in full KKK attire, lands a major pickup here.
Jordan Love has a fully-paid vacation in the pocket now — complete with brandy and young hookers — thanks to this insane O-line.
Lowest-rated starter is 23-year-old Taliese Fuaga, 82 OVR.
Only guy over 30 is Ryan Ramczyk. This line is disgusting.
This offense is a force, and if JD runs Super Bowl odds, I’m calling it now: Saints are going deep.
3. Stefon Diggs – WR – Titans
Sure, he’s aging like spoiled milk and might hit 62 OVR next season, but right now the Titans got a beast.
He put up 1,183 yards and 8 TDs last season with the Super Bowl–winning Bills.
Not exactly legendary, but paired with 8,500+ career yards and 42 TDs, the man is proven.
The Titans QB situation is still up in the air, but JD’s predicting Cam Ward goes there.
Diggs with a young QB? Expect chemistry — or chaos.
4. Cooper Kupp – WR – Panthers
Still a legend.
90 speed, 94 awareness, solid frame, and most importantly, Panthers desperately need him.
We could get a 49-year-old ex–Ivy League rugby player to catch passes before I’d start 74 OVR, 35-year-old Adam “Dementia Ridden” Thielen.
At that point, start Velus Jones Jr., or call in a replacement ref to play WR.
Kupp might end up getting double-teamed every game because no one else on that team can catch a cold.
Hopefully, they draft someone — give Kupp a rookie to mentor. Otherwise, he’s gonna be out there like Will Smith in I Am Legend.
5. Harold Landry – EDGE – Panthers
Panthers suck so much ass they made the top 5 signings list twice.
Last season with the Titans? 5 sacks. Not great.
Season before? 10.5 sacks.
The year before that? 12.0.
So he’s clearly got something left in the tank — maybe a quart of unleaded and a dead raccoon, but something.
Is he a QB fearmonger? No.
Is he a superstar dev? Hell no.
But he’s younger than Mack, and I will always take youth over someone who needs help crossing the street.
6. Justin Simmons – FS – Bears
Superstar dev. 86 OVR. 31 years old.
Still fast enough with 86 speed, but 66 tackle… which is less than ideal unless you’re playing flag football.
He’s the kind of guy who could give you one elite season, or die midseason in a La-Z-Boy.
With Kevin Byard already sitting on the bench, Simmons could end up getting slid into slot CB duty — which is weird for a free safety, but not as weird as JD's search history.
Still, he’s a high-IQ veteran who gives the Bears options.
Or, he could just mentor the locker room and eat fruit snacks. TBD.
7. Rico Dowdle – RB – Titans
Still youngish in football terms, though older for a running back — and way too old for my uncle, who seems to only like 8-year-olds. (Yes, I reported him. No, the FBI didn’t care.)
It could be a sleeper pickup if the Titans use him right.
It could also fall apart by Week 6. Risky, but fun.
8. Rasul Douglas – CB – Panthers
He’s kinda slow, sure, but he’s also the best actual corner signed.
But like JD said, ain’t nobody care where Rasul Douglas is going.
Panthers needed someone, anyone, in that secondary. He’s a patch job, but a decent one.
9. Khalil Mack – EDGE – Buccaneers
As a functioning adult, I don’t need another dude to help me file for AARP.
He’s still got something left, but I swear to God this man’s going to be knitting socks by Week 12.
If he retires midgame to become a crossing guard, I won’t even blink.
That said — he’ll still produce. 84 OVR, veteran presence, just don’t expect 2016 Mack.
Expect more like “has to stretch for 15 minutes before the coin toss” Mack.
Underrated signing.
A thin DT, so he’s not a nose tackle — but that boy has 83 speed at defensive tackle.
That’s fast as hell for a DT. Like speed demon in the middle.
I could see this man becoming a problem, but I’m not about to be the guy who puts a DT in the Top 5 — unless he’s eating QBs for lunch.
Move him to DE and we’ll talk.
🔎 UNDER-THE-RADAR SIGNINGS
Danny Gray – WR – Commanders
Speed demon. Still young, still raw.
He’s one of those guys that might put up 600 yards and 6 TDs or forget how to catch by Week 3.
If they use him right, he’s nasty. If not, he’ll be flipping burgers at Wendy’s with JD’s cousin.
Mason Tipton – WR – Cowboys
Sleeper WR — honestly might outshine the WR2.
Has that “came from nowhere and suddenly has 850 yards” energy.
He’s also the type of guy to drop a wide open slant and blame the stadium lights though.
Israel Abanikanda – RB – Steelers
Speed. Youth. Explosiveness.
If he stays healthy, he could be a steal — like straight-up heist at 3am with ski masks type steal.
Downside? He could be made of paper mâché, but that’s just the RB life these days.
Ty’Ron Hopper – LB – Steelers
This one low-key scared me. Dude is fast as hell for a linebacker.
If the Steelers actually develop him right, he could be a menace in coverage.
If not, he’ll be like that NFL player who’s just good in practice and gets beat on crossing routes all game.
Azeez Ojulari – EDGE – Bears
Why the hell did the Giants release him?
This man has been solid, and he’s young.
If the Bears don’t misuse him, he’ll be eating right tackles for breakfast.
Donald Parham Jr. – TE – Bengals
6’8” and might be part airplane.
This guy’s basically a Giraffe with hands — and he’s still got red zone value, even if he turns like a school bus in reverse.
If Bengals spam him in the red zone, he’ll rack up 8+ TDs easy.
❌ Signings Users Will REGRET
- Jimmie Ward – Titans
This man is 34 years old — prehistoric by DB standards.
I swear he’s so old, he was in Red Dead Redemption 2 running moonshine with Arthur Morgan.
You can probably catch him telling rookies stories about the Gold Rush, and asking what Spotify is.
Sure, he’s got veteran awareness, but if he gets matched up against a 23-year-old with 94 speed, that man is getting sent back to the Oregon Trail.
Solid zone skills, but honestly, his agility is like turning a wagon on a dirt road. - Randy Gregory – Tampa Bay
Dude's like the off-brand version of his younger self. Looks the part, talks the part, then proceeds to get washed by a rookie LT from Wyoming who still wears ankle socks. If this was 2018, sure — but it's 2025, and this man is getting cooked like JD’s over-microwaved Olive Garden leftovers. - Riley Dixon – Saints
You signed a punter. I'm not mad — I'm disappointed. Unless he's moonlighting as your slot receiver, you just blew cap space on a man who kicks the ball five times a game. He better punt it so high it hits JD’s apartment ceiling fan. - De’Vondre Campbell – Steelers
The man can’t cover grass anymore. Still serviceable, but he moves like a UPS truck making a 3-point turn. Signed for vet presence? Cool. Just make sure his locker has a neck brace and Metamucil. - Jimmy Garoppolo – Vikings
You ever wanted a QB who looks like a soap opera star but throws like he’s never seen a blitz before? Jimmy G is your man. Might win you a game or two — but he’s guaranteed to throw 2 picks and 1 tantrum per season. If JD was a QB, this would be his final form: handsome, inaccurate, and somehow still employed. - Denzel Perryman – Broncos
He’s like a heat-seeking missile — if the missile took five business days to launch. Hard hitter, sure. But good luck when he’s stuck covering a TE on a crossing route. That TE gonna have 3 yards of separation and a head start on his retirement fund.
🔥 OFL Scoop: The Wild Ride Continues 🔥
🏙️ Steel City Shake-Up
The Steel City is making some serious ripples after signing A-ROD and Mike McCarthy as the OC. Let’s hope they don’t fuck it up worse than last time—because honestly, that’s a low bar to clear.
😳 Pro Days From Hell
Quinshon Judkins and TreVeon Henderson had terrible pro days! I went to watch these clowns, and they looked more like a deer in headlights—or your mom after you show her your dumbass tattoo of a Lucky Charms box. Seriously, if clueless was a sport, they’d be Hall of Famers.
📉 Draft Picks on the Move
MANY USERS ARE TRYING TO MOVE DRAFT PICKS!!! Trades are flying all over, and honestly, if I previewed every single shitty trade, I’d be stuck here jerking off until the apocalypse.
🆕 New Blood in the OFL 🆕
👑 Meet Mr. Tall Guy
Mr. Tall Guy just rolled into the OFL as the Falcons’ new owner after their coach left in a heated argument with the Packers at the blackjack table. Probably lost more than his pride that night.
🎤 Straight Talk from Tall Guy
Tall Guy said in a statement, “I will bring excitement to the league.” Then added, “I can’t wait to smoke the Saints twice a year.” He wrapped it up with, “I’m big on the rivalries that make football special — it’s division or bust.”
💥 The Wild Rumor Mill
Here’s the fucking kicker — rumors landed on my desk say Mr. Tall Guy is actually a little person — AKA a dwarf — and might be Hornswoggle himself. Meanwhile, JD’s out here finding literally anyone on Reddit to fill his roster because, let’s be real, the dude’s too fat to scout in person.
⚡ Final Word ⚡
America, that’s all from me. It’s a shitload of writing, but we made it through. Got any spicy rumors? Hit me up! I’ll be here tomorrow for draft day — LET’S FUCKING GO!
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